everybody deserves an explanation

students always knock me off my feet every time they butt-in during my class discussions. it makes me always think of why my students ask me questions about my love life! in fact, they would've asked anything pertaining to what we have been discussing. but then again, i would've not entertained them anyway! nothing could i do anyhow yet they insist me that i should give my response.

bakit nga ba kasi nagmamahal ang mga tao? bakit nga ba?

i answered them. to love and being loved is actually one of the happiest things in life. to be loved is actually not a want. it is a need. i added, we love because we need to be loved. it is human nature to love. and that makes us different to the other species. perhaps we give because, anyhow, we are anticipating that we will be given back what we have given in return.

and so i explained. since they were seeking!

The Man I Really Loved

People say at times that quitting is a game that losers play. But they didn’t know quitting is a way one would escape hurt and pain.

AJ is surrounded by some kids. They are all asking and requesting AJ to tell a story for them.

‘Alright!’ He said. Then he started.

Allen grew up in a family next to the city’s fuzzy and busy life. His family members then pick up the mess of a relapsing familial situation once abound with richness and all that. Crazy it was for him stumping all his madness, staggering everyone’s nostalgia; after all he was a kid. He was a kid blameless of the faulty deeds and acts. Innocent he was from all the penalties of a cruel, foolish-driven life. He was a kid. They knew he knew nothing. Yet he knew he was.

Years had gone. He already knew but he tried to be like he was. Pretentious man he had become for what the time had made him was the time that taught him to lie.

Years had again passed, and another year had taught him to lie. Allen used to lie to escape the rebuke of intimidating eyes. Allen used to tell a lie just not to get embarrassed. Allen now again lies just to break out from people’s intrusion of his exotic-erotically indulged affection toward another of his own. He kept on lying.

Pretending would have caused one a pain. Yet pretending would have made one run away from another pain.

Then he was into a new life. He would have been happy with his new friends. The people he had handled and shared the why’s, the how’s, the what’s, and almost the all-about things on other people’s lives had he started to realize he was into another person’s life. He had taught no dogmas. He had shared as far as his limited knowledge can. He kept reminding that one has to stand tall and fight for what one believes is right, as long as no other people are slighted.

There was one thing he knew it never was and he was not able to anticipate. He was taught. He was reminded of the things he shared in the boulevard of knowledge, which he called himself. You said fight for the things you believe is right! But he did! He shut his mouth knowing other people might get hurt.

Experience taught me that fighting temptations make me strong. But the trouble with fighting temptations is you might not get the second chance. --- fighting temptations

And so Allen didn’t have any. Perhaps, it’s better for him to lie and get hurt, than tell the truth and let other people get hurt.

‘But how is Allen now?,’ one says.

‘He has been taught! And he tries to learn!’ AJ replied.

In AJ’s mind: But it’s too late! I hope I was Allen, even just for a minute! That I may know what he really felt for me! But he has his own life now! And I do have mine!

uwaw!

fourth day!

so i was late! galing pa ako aritao eh! pero carry lang! nakita ko si nikkole! ahem! yummy! yummy! supapapalicious! (vhong navarro doesn't deserve that title! nikkole does!)

(while in the middle of the exam)

class: sir pwde break muna?! review lang kami!

(bwisit! kaasar naman ung request na un? tama ba un?)

allen: okay class after you take the exam! you may then have your review!

(hahaha! so ako din ay nakiayon! sa kalokohan! ahahay!)

so the exam week is over!

*3rd day of exam*

jake: morning ma'am! madali ba exam?
allen: (smile ever! tinawag akong ma'am eh!)

jetter: ang hirap naman ng exam!
allen: (the same complain! ahempf!)
student: oo ngah! Patayin!

(ananay ko! afraid naman ako! any moment!)

*while students were taking the exam*

allen: (nabigla pero nakipagtitigan!)
wow! ang gwapo ni meynard! siyempre tuwang tuwa ako at mega smile ang aking toooot! ahahaha... tama ba naman kasing makikipagtitigan din ang meynard sa akin!

*after the exam*

sinead: sir tara kina chel!
allen: anu na naman ang gagawin dun!?
sinead: tambay!
allen: ayoko kayung kasama! pag kasama ko kayo tumitigal ang mundo ko!
sinead: hindi mo ba alam sir na kapag kasama namin ikaw eh tumitigil din ang mundo namin!

(anu daw! ang keme huh?! so sila ang bad influence. ndi ako sa kanila!)

*lunch*

mega super SARDINAS ang aming pananghalian!

one o'clock exam*
(madami pang wala!)

allen: bakit wala pa si bryan! mona rae saan mo siya itinago!
mona rae: hala! sir si queenie ah! ndi ako! kaya nga may princess na sila!

(anunuy!)

allen: oha bakit wala din si lyndon! ms. Busa?!
ms. busa: wala akong ginagawa sir!

jane: sir si leon napagod kagabi!
allen: ndi kita kinakausap!
jane: ananay ko!
allen: saan mo ba itinago?
jane: sa apartment sir!

ms. busa: eh ikaw sir! saan mo itinago si Nikkole (lalaki po iyang nikkole na iyan!)
allen: (namula ako siyempre! how did they know!)
class: aruy! si sir namumula! (sabay tawa~!)

(bwisit)

keme!

*second day of test*

adonis: anya naman! wala namang awa!
lewis: hala sir oh! narinig mo un?

allen: ano sabi?
lewis: wala ka daw awa magpaexam!

allen: wala nang bago? kinakanta pa nga sa akin eh, "diyosa mangngaasi ka!"

(keme lang! haha)

*from the same class*

peter: ang hirap naman sir!
allen: (smile lang! pakeme!)
peter: ndi naman to exam! parusa naman to!
allen: okay!

(ahahahay)

*sa isang klase (Rizal naman!)*

allen: oh britzz! bakit mo ako tinitignan!?
brittz: awan sir! nagguwapo ka gamin! (gwapo mo kasi)
allen: ananay! go out! umuwi ka na!

(lalake un ha?!)

*ala lang. this day is a sleepy day! am so sloppy!*

so what?

*good writing is good thinking*

nagbigay ng komento ang isang estujante sa akin. sabi, 'i love you sir no joke!' well that guy has good thinking! he wrote it eh!

*hango mula sa teleseryeng katorse ng abs-cbn!*

erich: katorse pa lang ako, buntis na ako!
EJ: disisais pa lang ako, isa na akong ama!

Allen: Leche! bente tres na ako, birhen pa din ako!

*exam day!*

Allen: Cheating is punishable by death!
Students: Weh! di nga sir?

(naniwala ang mokong! hahaha)

*sa opis*

empleyado: pinapanood ko ung ulan! ang ingay kasi!

(baka kasi pumapatak ang ulan sa bubong! TSKTSK)

*sa klase. habang nagtitake ng exam*

estujante: sir ang hirap ng exam! nosebleed! (sabay kulangot!)

(walang manners! bad trip! hahaha)

*isang imbitasyon sa text*

Part I

sinead: sir punta ka dito kina chel! pud trip!
allen: ano pudz?
sinead: palitaw, camote cue.. mga talipapa pudz. pero paubos na!

(lang hiya! nagimbita pa!)

Part II

sinead: punta ka na ah sir!
allen: hmpf! wala naman kaung ipapakain sa akin!
sinead: bahala ka! ipakain namin sa aso sapatos mo!

(go! baka mabusog pa! syet! pati pala sapatos kinakain ng aso! all the while i thought nginingitngit lang! in the first place, wala naman aso kina chel! mga aso pala sila! wharf! wharf! wharf! they are barking at the wrong pair of shoes!)

when people saw me, then they don't!

Teaching has never been my plan or handling a performing group. I thought I could be in the field where interaction with different people always abounds with service and communication. All the while, this was the thing that could actually give me more of a self-fulfillment. Modesty aside, I had been called a leader. This was how people view me. That I could probably carry out duties and responsibilities. I could move people, they say. But what’s the difference with moving people who are professionals and believe in you with people who are amateurs and cast a doubt on you? The bottom line is you can’t actually move them. It’s like putting your self on the edge of the cliff. There would really be no assurance that they would come and accompany you not even until the last tear drop falls.

But I wasn’t able to control what lies ahead of me. I came, and then almost everything came. Many other opportunities unfolded right in front of me. Many times chances knocked on my door. Many times had I also turned them down? But what was the reason?

I was invited. I prepared myself, the things I needed, everything. Then I was called sir, instructor, and some mistakenly called me professor. I just smiled, it’s simply because I am teaching in a college department. Then people knew me. They called my attention. They gave me responsibilities. I could not help my self but surmise they just believed in me. I said I won’t turn them down. Huh! Won’t turn them down?

Then I was invited again! I just gave a sort of respect through my appearance. Then I eventually gave respect when I gave time to create my one to eights of physically-exhausting moves. I was then known again. And this was the reason why I was given another responsibility, a responsibility of taking a full-blown authority for a performing group. Half-interested I was. The other half was a heart pounding belief that I may not be able to meet the expectations of those people who believed in me.

I took over. There was a problem already at the door, and these problems are yet to be solved. Then came another, then another, and then another. It all started with ‘I actually do not know’.

I had a problem of handling the group at the start of my take over. I wasn’t really in control. Someone supercedes me in authority when in fact I was the one officially recognized. I kept silent! Until eventually I have to limit my relationship with them and asked everyone not to create so much attachment with them. But I did not say anything on creating a gap and ultimately alienating themselves totally from them. I just said ‘limit’, and many misinterpreted it in a way that I was already too selfish. Then they too became selfish. They paid no heed to what my group, originally their group, was requesting. Was it my fault?

There came a time when I was too emotional already. I said everything I wanted to say, not really thinking I may be hurting other people. My words were truly sharp; I embarrassed one, two and then my group. It all started with the way they showed no respect to me. They didn’t know I was hurt; that I was in pain, and they will show no respect to me? They didn’t know. Perhaps they did not understand, or I didn’t let them know. Was it my fault?

I had performers close to me. This one was with whom I actually had closer involvement. It was with him whom I seek company with when I crave for food. I laugh with him, crack jokes with him, squandered around with him and slept with and beside him. Yes, with him. Until eventually and slowly, he paid no, or less, attention to what the group really wanted. I mean to what I wanted. I obliged everyone to come on time. He came late then. I required everyone to do their work. He seemed not to do those responsibilities attached to his position; because he came late. When I was teaching them the virtue of sacrifice, he still attended to other things. When he talked, it seemed he doubted me already. We got mad with each other already even before these things happened. He knew the things I never wanted. But it seemed he didn’t learn from it. Until I thought, and I was able to say it, he was too comfortable with me already. Was it my fault?

This other was with whom I stayed with when the group had so many activities. I stayed with this other more than the one, eventually. It just so happened since he had been asking for things that he could do. He visited me in my office; helped me finish things and led the group when I was out. As a result, we became closer and the one became jealous, according to a new person whom I turned to when I was looking for a companion. I scolded him one time. He got mad. But does he have the right to get mad when he really committed an error? Like a wink of the eye, the relationship was gone! Was it my fault?

I thought I could lead. I thought I could interact with many faces of people. But with my group, I knew I couldn’t. I thought I was not a quitter. I thought I could not be turned down. But with my group, I knew I’m a loser. I thought teaching was not my field. But with my group, I knew I am better in teaching, than a leader and a choreographer. I lost many opportunities. But with the group they showed implicitly that I am more opportune to teaching. Thanks to them anyway! And now, I want to lose the opportunity that I grabbed! Should I say goodbye? But how could I say it?