when people saw me, then they don't!

Teaching has never been my plan or handling a performing group. I thought I could be in the field where interaction with different people always abounds with service and communication. All the while, this was the thing that could actually give me more of a self-fulfillment. Modesty aside, I had been called a leader. This was how people view me. That I could probably carry out duties and responsibilities. I could move people, they say. But what’s the difference with moving people who are professionals and believe in you with people who are amateurs and cast a doubt on you? The bottom line is you can’t actually move them. It’s like putting your self on the edge of the cliff. There would really be no assurance that they would come and accompany you not even until the last tear drop falls.

But I wasn’t able to control what lies ahead of me. I came, and then almost everything came. Many other opportunities unfolded right in front of me. Many times chances knocked on my door. Many times had I also turned them down? But what was the reason?

I was invited. I prepared myself, the things I needed, everything. Then I was called sir, instructor, and some mistakenly called me professor. I just smiled, it’s simply because I am teaching in a college department. Then people knew me. They called my attention. They gave me responsibilities. I could not help my self but surmise they just believed in me. I said I won’t turn them down. Huh! Won’t turn them down?

Then I was invited again! I just gave a sort of respect through my appearance. Then I eventually gave respect when I gave time to create my one to eights of physically-exhausting moves. I was then known again. And this was the reason why I was given another responsibility, a responsibility of taking a full-blown authority for a performing group. Half-interested I was. The other half was a heart pounding belief that I may not be able to meet the expectations of those people who believed in me.

I took over. There was a problem already at the door, and these problems are yet to be solved. Then came another, then another, and then another. It all started with ‘I actually do not know’.

I had a problem of handling the group at the start of my take over. I wasn’t really in control. Someone supercedes me in authority when in fact I was the one officially recognized. I kept silent! Until eventually I have to limit my relationship with them and asked everyone not to create so much attachment with them. But I did not say anything on creating a gap and ultimately alienating themselves totally from them. I just said ‘limit’, and many misinterpreted it in a way that I was already too selfish. Then they too became selfish. They paid no heed to what my group, originally their group, was requesting. Was it my fault?

There came a time when I was too emotional already. I said everything I wanted to say, not really thinking I may be hurting other people. My words were truly sharp; I embarrassed one, two and then my group. It all started with the way they showed no respect to me. They didn’t know I was hurt; that I was in pain, and they will show no respect to me? They didn’t know. Perhaps they did not understand, or I didn’t let them know. Was it my fault?

I had performers close to me. This one was with whom I actually had closer involvement. It was with him whom I seek company with when I crave for food. I laugh with him, crack jokes with him, squandered around with him and slept with and beside him. Yes, with him. Until eventually and slowly, he paid no, or less, attention to what the group really wanted. I mean to what I wanted. I obliged everyone to come on time. He came late then. I required everyone to do their work. He seemed not to do those responsibilities attached to his position; because he came late. When I was teaching them the virtue of sacrifice, he still attended to other things. When he talked, it seemed he doubted me already. We got mad with each other already even before these things happened. He knew the things I never wanted. But it seemed he didn’t learn from it. Until I thought, and I was able to say it, he was too comfortable with me already. Was it my fault?

This other was with whom I stayed with when the group had so many activities. I stayed with this other more than the one, eventually. It just so happened since he had been asking for things that he could do. He visited me in my office; helped me finish things and led the group when I was out. As a result, we became closer and the one became jealous, according to a new person whom I turned to when I was looking for a companion. I scolded him one time. He got mad. But does he have the right to get mad when he really committed an error? Like a wink of the eye, the relationship was gone! Was it my fault?

I thought I could lead. I thought I could interact with many faces of people. But with my group, I knew I couldn’t. I thought I was not a quitter. I thought I could not be turned down. But with my group, I knew I’m a loser. I thought teaching was not my field. But with my group, I knew I am better in teaching, than a leader and a choreographer. I lost many opportunities. But with the group they showed implicitly that I am more opportune to teaching. Thanks to them anyway! And now, I want to lose the opportunity that I grabbed! Should I say goodbye? But how could I say it?